She’d gone to bed early. To be honest she was a bit bored of her own company. There was nothing riveting on the TV and if she were completely honest with herself, which she rarely was, she was missing Steve.
She’d fallen asleep quite quickly, grateful at least for the absence of snoring from Steve.
She wasn’t sure if she’d heard a movement or felt a movement. She’d lain very still, eyes closed, straining her ears for any sound. She was sure she’d locked up carefully before going to bed. All the security locks were on and the alarm set. There couldn’t be an intruder, could there?
There was no noise, so she rolled over, luxuriating in having the big bed all to herself for once, when she felt someone sit on the bed. Her heart rate went up as she tensed, waiting, for what she didn’t know.
“Hello Karen. It’s alright, you can open your eyes. You’re quite safe.”
The voice was soft, reassuring and she opened one eye peering across the bed to see a shadowy figure seated where Steve usually slept.
“You can open both eyes, you might find it a little easier to see me” the voice continued “I’m here to have a chat with you.”
Karen screamed and leapt out of bed, desperately searching for something she could use to defend herself against the intruder. She reached for her bedside lamp, thinking she would pull it free from the socket and hit the intruder.
“Don’t put the light on” came the shadowy persons voice “you won’t be able to see me at all in the light.”
Karen rarely listened to anyone else, so as expected, she touched the base of the lamp to switch it on. Nothing. There was no-one there. She must have been hallucinating. She peered across the bed thinking that if there were someone there she would be able to see them.
Nothing.
“I must have been dreaming” she said to herself aloud “too many thriller novels.”
“No, you weren’t dreaming, I’m here, I’m real” the voice replied.
“Who the hell are you? Why can’t I see you properly?” She still had her hand gripped round the base of the lamp, fully prepared to use it to defend herself.
“I’m your Higher Self Karen. I usually live in the dark shadows of your psyche, that’s why you can’t see me properly. Dim the light a little.”
She touched the base of the lamp and sure enough she could make out a shadowy figure. She couldn’t see it’s features or even tell if it was male or female.
“I don’t like you. Whoever or whatever you are go away.”
The figure laughed. “Not just yet, we’ve got a lot to talk about. You’re not very happy are you Karen and I’m here to help?”
“I don’t need your help thank you very much. I’m fine. Just bugger off and leave me alone.” Karen didn’t swear very often, but she was desperately trying to cover up that she was actually quite frightened.
“It’s okay to be frightened Karen, but I’m here to help you.”
“I don’t need your help thank you very much, I’m fine as I am.”
If she’d been able to see it clearly, she would have seen the figure shrug it’s shoulders. “Really Karen? You’re fine as you are? Why do you think Steve left you at home this weekend?”
“It’s a men only weekend, that’s why.” She retorted.
“Er, no. It’s not. The other wives are having a great time while their husbands play golf. Massages, manicures, beauty treatments….. You could have been there too.”
“Ugh. No thanks. What makes you think I’d want to spend the weekend with them? I’d rather be here on my own thank you very much.”
Leaning toward her the figure whispered “Liar.”
“How dare you. I don’t like them. They’re always on about their grandchildren, or their weight and how they should exercise more, the holidays they’ve just come back from or the shows they’ve been to see.”
“You’re very judgemental aren’t you Karen? Did you know that when we judge others we see in them things that we don’t like about ourselves, or things we wouldn’t allow ourselves to do.”
Karen sat up a little straighter, “I take care of myself, I exercise and I’ve never let myself get over weight, what’s wrong with that?”
“Nothing at all Karen. It’s when you criticise others that there’s a problem. You see that puts a barrier between you and them. You’re convinced that you’re better than they are. Have you ever noticed that when you criticise it makes you feel superior or better about yourself?”
Karen was silent.
“Do you like yourself Karen?”
Silence.
“Well, come on let’s be honest here. Do you like yourself Karen? Are you friendly, caring, compassionate? Let’s play a game. Tell me 10 things you like about yourself.”
“It’s the middle of the night and I’m not in the mood for playing games” she snapped back.
“I forgot, you never are, are you? Humour me, the quicker we get this done for the night, the quicker you can go back to sleep.”
“Oh fine, have it your way. I’m a good cook, I keep the house clean….. “ her voice faded as she struggled to find things she liked about herself.
“Those are things you do Karen. Not really about you as a person. Are there things you don’t like about yourself?”
“No.” came the terse reply.
“Shall I tell you what other people don’t like about you?”
Silence.
“I’ll take that as a yes. You’re critical of others.”
“I speak my mind if that’s what you mean” she retorted.
“You’re critical of others” he repeated “you’re very quick to find fault with things, you never give praise or compliments. Let me give you an example. Remember the last function you went to? The waitress was rushed off her feet trying to get everyone’s meal to the table. What did you do?”
Silence.
“Let me remind you. You said something like “this waitress is hopeless, our food will be cold before we get it. Who decided to come here?” Double criticism, the waitress who was doing her best as was the person who organised the event. Did you stop to think how hurtful your comments were?”
Silence.
“I know you didn’t, because you went on to criticise the man who drank too much, the singer with the band, the couple who couldn’t dance very well, the woman wearing a low-cut dress. I could go on.”
“I didn’t say any of that” Karen protested.
“No, but you thought it, didn’t you?”
Silence.
“You do that a lot don’t you? You criticise people in your head. You do it to Steve but you never tell him what’s wrong. How do you expect him to know what he’s done that you don’t like? He’s not a mind reader.”
“And I suppose you are then?” she retorted, getting quite impatient with the conversation. It was beginning to feel uncomfortable to have her critical habits exposed.
“Well of course I am. I’m your Super Ego, your Higher Self. I know exactly what’s going on in your head. I wouldn’t worry about it if it made you and the people around you happy. But it doesn’t does it Karen?”
Silence.
“I’m going to take that as affirmative. I know you’re tired so I’m going to let you go back to sleep.” As she heaved a sigh of relief he continued “I want you to think about all the times you’ve been critical recently. What’s it telling you? What don’t you like about yourself? What wouldn’t you allow yourself to do? And,” he paused for effect, “what could you do differently in future?”
She didn’t reply and as it began to disappear she could see the figure wave. “See you tomorrow”.
It took Karen quite a while to get back to sleep. It had been disturbing to be the object of criticism herself, at least that’s how she viewed it.
The next day she felt a bit bleary eyed. She made herself some breakfast and sat with a cup of coffee as usual, but it seemed tasteless. She thought about what the figure had said. Why was she so critical of others?
Her mind drifted back to her childhood. She’d lost count of the number of times her mother had criticised her. Whatever she’d done it wasn’t good enough. How many times had she heard the mantra “money doesn’t grow on trees” in response to a request for a new dress or shoes. As for school trips, she knew not to even bother asking if she could go. “We’re not made of money you know.”
Her coffee was going cold as she remembered the past. No wonder she’d felt inferior to her school friends, unloved by her parents. A cold, hard truth began to dawn on her. She still felt inferior to others, unloveable. Criticising other people created the pretence that she didn’t like them anyway and that she was somehow better than them.
It was at this moment of revelation that the doorbell rang. “Who the hell is that” she thought. Peering through the net curtains she saw the woman who had recently moved in next door. “Oh god, it’s the single mum with her 2 kids, what does she want?” They’d never actually spoken but Karen had decided that as there was no man to be seen, she must be a feckless single mother.
The doorbell rang again. Reluctantly, Karen went to the door and opened it.
The woman looked distressed. “I’m sorry to disturb you, I know we haven’t properly met yet. I’m Sarah, I moved in next door a few weeks ago.”
“Yes, I know who you are. What do you want?” asked Karen coldly, not being quite ready to let go of her critical ways.
“My mum has had an accident this morning and I need to go to the hospital. I don’t want to take the children” she gestured to 2 small children who were clinging to her legs, “my husband isn’t going to get back home for another week and I’ve no-one else I can ask. Would you mind very much watching them for me for a couple of hours? Please.”
It was on the tip of Karen’s tongue to refuse, but then she realised she had an opportunity to make up for judging Sarah.
“Okay, would it be best if I came to your house as they’ll have their toys to play with. I’m sorry, I don’t have any here, my kids are adult now and they don’t have children of their own yet.” She realised she was gabbling, making excuses, because for some reason she felt inadequate.
“That would be great, if you don’t mind. I’m so grateful. This is Sam he’s 6 and Charlotte, she’s 8.”
“Hello Sam and Charlotte, I’m Karen. Let me just get my mobile and keys and I’ll come with you.”
“They’re good kids, they miss their Daddy and I struggle with them sometimes, but I’m sure they’ll be good for you.”
The little family, plus Karen made their way next door and Sarah quickly left. Karen looked around the living room, instantly comparing it to her own. There were boxes as yet unpacked and toys littered the floor. She took a deep breath “it looks like you haven’t quite settled into your new home yet. Do you want to play with your toys?”
Charlotte looked on the edge of tears. Karen knelt to her height. “It’s okay, I’m sure your granny will be fine and mummy will be back soon. What shall we do?”
“We moved here so granny would be close and could help mummy while daddy is away. Now granny might die.”
“No, no, no. I’m sure she’ll be fine and back home soon.”
Sam had been very quiet up till that point. “Mummy said daddy would be back home soon, but he hasn’t come back yet. He’s in Abby Dabby. It’s very hot there. Mummy said it was too hot for us to go there while daddy was working, so we’ve had to stay at home.”
“It’s Abu Dhabi silly, and when he comes home he’ll bring us nice presents. We skype him every week, but it’s not the same” she said wistfully “I miss him.”
Karen blinked her eyes rapidly. How she’d misjudged this little family.
“I have an idea. How would you like to make some cakes for your mummy and granny? Let’s see what she has in the kitchen. Ah, I see she hasn’t had time to clear up from breakfast yet. Shall we do that and then make cakes?”
The children reluctantly agreed to help clear the kitchen before telling Karen that their mummy didn’t have anything to make cakes with.
“Okay, no problem. Let’s go to my house and we’ll make some there.”
The next few hours passed quickly. Karen had forgotten how much fun it was to make cakes with children as they helped stir the mixture and decorate the cup cakes they made. She realised that she had actually enjoyed spending time with the children. The kitchen was a mess, but it didn’t matter.
By the time Sarah came home, with a sore granny in tow who had an arm in plaster, Karen felt happier than she had in a long time.
“Thank you so much” said Sarah “I can’t begin to tell you how grateful I am. You’re so kind to have had the children make cakes with you. Would you like to join us for dinner later? It ‘s only a beef casserole but there’ll be plenty for all of us.”
Karen surprised herself by quickly agreeing to join them later “I just need to do a bit of tidying up in my kitchen” she said as she left, smiling as the children each gave her a big hug.
That night she was asleep when she became aware of the presence of the figure who had disturbed her the night before.
“You’ve had an interesting day Karen. What did you discover?”
“A lot. I realised that I learned to criticise from my mother. She was definitely a pro at it!” Karen laughed as she said it. “I also learned that I make judgements about people based on their appearance and put my own interpretation on it,”
“Excellent, you’ve made a great start in uncovering your subconscious behaviour patterns. Anything else?”
“I thought about what you said. I wouldn’t let myself get overweight, have an untidy house, be a single mother. So, it makes me feel superior when I criticise those who do.”
“And does that make you happy or feel loved?”
“No, it doesn’t.” She sighed.
“What about today? Looking after the children? Helping your neighbour?”
Karen’s face lit up “that was fun, I enjoyed it. I found it easy to chat with Sarah and her mum. Usually I feel inadequate, like I’ve got nothing interesting to say.”
“I wonder if that’s because your self-confidence took a battering as a child? What was that expression your parents were so fond of “children should be seen and not heard.” No wonder you feel that you don’t have a voice, or anything interesting to say.”
“Yes, that’s exactly it. And I feel jealous of people I meet who are confident and can talk easily to others.”
“So you pick fault, criticise, to bring them down to your level.”
Karen was quiet for a long time. Tears began to roll down her cheeks.
“How do I change?” she asked tearfully.
“It’s easier than you think. Just accept people for who they are. We all have behaviour quirks but the bottom line is we all want to be loved and accepted for who we are. Just try a suspension of judgement. Of yourself and others, you might be pleasantly surprised how happy that could make you.” With that the figure faded away.
“A suspension of judgement. I like that” whispered Karen as she drifted back to sleep.